My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i love accidental penises.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
