well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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