Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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