I met the friendliest cop last night
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize