the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
