Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
