Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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