I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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