So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
