I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
