if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
