Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
