she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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