You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
