If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
