I was born with a shot glass in my hand
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
