i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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