I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize