i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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