i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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