So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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