I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
