I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
