My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
