his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
