It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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