Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
