I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
