I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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