It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
