I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Still dying that you shit outside
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
