My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
