I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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