the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
