I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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