My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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