Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
