i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
