my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
