that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
