I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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