don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
