Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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