community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
