tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
