My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
