Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize