If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
