I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She bit a glass in half.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
