i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
