The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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