I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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